Will I ever find home?

The phone rings. It’s on the table, screen down, and I can’t see who’s calling.

We are having lunch on a terrace in Crete. Petteri booked this vacation for us to celebrate my new job. My company announced a few weeks ago that the branch in Finland is closing and all the thousands of employees have been laid off. Given the job market situation in Finland, it was quite unexpected that I landed a new job in two weeks, and not any kind of job, but a VP position at a tech company.

“Don’t you want to see who’s calling?” Petteri asks.

I picked up the phone. My heart jumps. The caller is my former manager.  I move away from the terrace to answer. They are offering me a job at the US headquarters. I will need to relocate by the end of the summer.

“You said what??” Petteri seems to be upset.

“I said I will think it over.”

“What do you have to think over? You’ve got a great job waiting for you at home. It’s not like you need a job.”

“I know.”

“How about your kids? Mihai is supposed to start college in the fall. Antonia, she is just about to end middle school, and she will not want to move away from Finland and her friends.”

“I know.”

“You love your life. You are happy. Aren’t you? You can't be serious about considering the offer? Let’s forget about this, enjoy the last few days of vacation and when we get back home, you call them and say thank you, but no.”

I’m trying to concentrate. He is right. I know he is right. I still don’t understand why I didn’t decline the offer on the spot. There is no way I will move, so why leave this theoretical possibility open. It’s just pride. Why is Petteri so anxious? We should order a bottle of champagne and celebrate how lucky we are.

Instead, I hear myself saying, “I’m not feeling at home in Finland.”  Where did this come from?

“What do you mean? Do you still think of Romania as your home? And what does this have to do with anything? Wouldn’t moving to the US mean you move even further away from home? Pause. “And how about us?”

I can’t answer that. 

I can’t just decline the offer. I need to give it fair consideration. Maybe Antonia will not want to move, maybe we can’t figure out a way for Mihai’s college education, maybe this job in the US doesn’t make any sense, maybe I don’t want to live so far away, there are so many maybes and so many fears. The only certain thing is that Finland is not home. Romania is not home anymore, either. What difference then it makes if I’ll move to the US?